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Literature Text
under the dark sky on a dark night
where the only guide to be found was the stars light
a lonely wanderer walking all alone
fighting cold with a will that is stronger then stone
wearing black he became hard to be seen
no one knows where was he going, nor where he has been
with a bow on his back, and a sword in his belt
it was clear that deep inside, Chill, was not the only thing he felt
no one truly knew how did he really feel
for he protected that with his blood and his steel
also none could see the mountains he carried
nor the chains he dragged which almost got him buried
followed by unforgotten memories he wished them to be forgotten
trapped in his mind, not in his heart, for so long they almost rotten
with no home, an unknown name, lost life, his soul started to fade
for years his hope was on the next step that he made
seeking for something among the frost that nearly turned him blind
something that existed only among the thoughts in his mind
until his vengeance to be highly paid
he promised to never sheath his blade
for the things he lost were too great
and until his judgment was brought, he asked for death to wait
but one day he fell on the snow
through cold, life gave him the last fatal blow
death was staring, but he never moved
for someone have came to heal the dying man's wound
he turned the man's pale face up to the sky
the fire of his torch was flickering in his eyes
suddenly he felt a cold freezing his chest
the dying man's sword was putting his savior's heart to rest
the savior did not understand until he saw the man in the eye
Impossible! it was his son, "how come you did not die!"
"at the end, and at last" said the son
"you have lost, and i have won"
"for all the pain and the eight years walk"
"having you as a prey i was the wolf that stalks"
"i give you back what have you once given me"
"the death i was rejected by, the very one you now see"
and so would the father die
with the flickering fire fading in his eyes
death came to reap the souls
as the wolf finished playing his role
two souls have been taken
yet one man is still breathing
having his revenge, for him now there is nothing left
it is time to payback for death his debt
but death disappeared leaving him curious
for the man, the reason of death was so mysterious
what death was seeking and what the man did not know
what death wanted and what the man could not see
is what will become of the man after defeating his foe
and what would the chained wolf do the moment he is set free
the man returned to his journey not knowing
that eight years of walking has been only the beginning
the sky clouded and it started to rain
right under it, a wolf was walking, with nothing to lose and nothing to gain
he became one with the darkness and never been heard of ever again
where the only guide to be found was the stars light
a lonely wanderer walking all alone
fighting cold with a will that is stronger then stone
wearing black he became hard to be seen
no one knows where was he going, nor where he has been
with a bow on his back, and a sword in his belt
it was clear that deep inside, Chill, was not the only thing he felt
no one truly knew how did he really feel
for he protected that with his blood and his steel
also none could see the mountains he carried
nor the chains he dragged which almost got him buried
followed by unforgotten memories he wished them to be forgotten
trapped in his mind, not in his heart, for so long they almost rotten
with no home, an unknown name, lost life, his soul started to fade
for years his hope was on the next step that he made
seeking for something among the frost that nearly turned him blind
something that existed only among the thoughts in his mind
until his vengeance to be highly paid
he promised to never sheath his blade
for the things he lost were too great
and until his judgment was brought, he asked for death to wait
but one day he fell on the snow
through cold, life gave him the last fatal blow
death was staring, but he never moved
for someone have came to heal the dying man's wound
he turned the man's pale face up to the sky
the fire of his torch was flickering in his eyes
suddenly he felt a cold freezing his chest
the dying man's sword was putting his savior's heart to rest
the savior did not understand until he saw the man in the eye
Impossible! it was his son, "how come you did not die!"
"at the end, and at last" said the son
"you have lost, and i have won"
"for all the pain and the eight years walk"
"having you as a prey i was the wolf that stalks"
"i give you back what have you once given me"
"the death i was rejected by, the very one you now see"
and so would the father die
with the flickering fire fading in his eyes
death came to reap the souls
as the wolf finished playing his role
two souls have been taken
yet one man is still breathing
having his revenge, for him now there is nothing left
it is time to payback for death his debt
but death disappeared leaving him curious
for the man, the reason of death was so mysterious
what death was seeking and what the man did not know
what death wanted and what the man could not see
is what will become of the man after defeating his foe
and what would the chained wolf do the moment he is set free
the man returned to his journey not knowing
that eight years of walking has been only the beginning
the sky clouded and it started to rain
right under it, a wolf was walking, with nothing to lose and nothing to gain
he became one with the darkness and never been heard of ever again
Literature
Ticking
Energetic emotions run rampant
Emptiness abound
Intelligence alone
Improvisational techniques
Screams run round
Faces from eons ago
My mind
Shattered
Truth and lies
Mix together into
Living dreams
Am I who I thought or
Am I who they thought
Who I am
Lost to time
Lost to myself
Help beyond grasp
Given form
Time is ticking
Ticking
Tickin
Ticki
Tick
Tic
Ti
T
Till I am all thats left
I am all thats left
Time passed by
Experiences forgotten
I am a lie
Told sweetly to others
Told by my
Self I stand
Until no longer
Until ichor pours from my eyes
Until my eyes are gone
Time approaching
The end is near
Here
Energetic emotions run rampant
Here
Emp
Literature
Gone
It's like a punch in my gut
A hole in my throat
Cotton in my head
I can't seem to accept the reality
I see your grave
I sit in your empty chair
Watch as your room became just a memory
The old photos of us smiling
The memories of us laughing
The old songs we used to sing
It both haunts and comforts me
Life has never been easy
But now it'll be so much harder
Time became my enemy
Fooling me into believing I had so much more
Just turn the clock back
Rewind the tapes of those happy memories once more
Come back to me
Tell me it'll all be ok.
But there's a sting in my heart
And it reminds me you're gone
I know this pain will be with me always
How co
Literature
Onwards!
Rough and puff, ain't looking so tough,
Moving still with an occasional cough,
Everyone have a dream but few are true,
Coz' they fear to tumble down like the way I do!
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Comments3
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Hi,
here are a few of my thoughts. I will try not to be too specific so this doesn't become a full-on critique. (:
You have a few errors here and there that, although small, hinder the quality of the poem: "stars light" should be "stars' light", "stronger then stone" should be "stronger than stone" and so on... you have tense errors, misspells and small things that immediately lower the poem's quality for a reader.
I see the story you want to tell here, but the poem becomes more and more confusing as it goes on. The "dialogue" between father and son you have is something structured like a prose dialogue would, and it's thrown in the middle of the poem in a way I really didn't like and without proper punctuation, it's not really immediately obvious who is who. You also use a LOT of words to tell this story, and as such, every verse tells a lot... it is too much.
You need to step away from something of this poem, I personally think. A small example is here: "a lonely wanderer walking all alone" ... you don't need both "lonely wanderer" and "walking all alone", they define the same exact thing. Someone who walks alone.
In other parts, it feels like verses are built just so the rhyme can happen.
I would consider, were I you, to make a short list of what is essential in every stanza, like this:
Stanza 1 - a lonely wanderer, a will of stone, painful memories, seeking vengeance .
Stanza 2 - won't stop until he's avenged, but then weather almost kills him, until someone arrives to help
Stanza 3 - the savior is the person the lonely wanderer sought to kill! He finally fulfills his desire.
Stanza 4 - death doesn't kill him because he's curious about what wanderer will do with his freedom. he disappears in the dark and no one knows what happens to him.
In order to not get lost in all the wording you use, you need to simplify how this poem reads and only keep what is needed, regardless of how much you like that pretty image you wrote in that favourite stanza of yours. if it's just pretty words, it does nothing good to the poem anyway. In my opinion, use better punctuation to make it easier to follow (or make shorter verses/stanzas) and never forget that rhymes don't need to be at the end of the line! They can be in the middle, too.
Just to give you a small idea of what I mean with "take out what isn't needed", I would cut your first stanza to these two:
They say there was a wanderer,
with starlight as his navigator
cold as unwelcome companion
and will forged in blood and steel.
Bow and blade he sported, while
unseen, the mountains and
chains of his past weighed his
heart - yet hardened his resolve
to find hope in another day,
solace in vengeance for his lost soul.
(Yeah, the quality of the writing is poor, but I didn't really gave this much thought!) I essentially took out everything that I didn't think was necessary, added punctuation and line division to create a coherent story flow, and there you go. It feels much better to me already. Of course, I wrote something slightly different from what you probably meant with that stanza, but that is why only you can do this job properly. (: only you know how changes need to be made!
So, overall... the story you're telling is really interesting, and something you should definitely keep working on. But you need to make it more readable, get rid of those small mistakes here and there, polish it up so it becomes more understandable and enjoyable. Good luck, and let me say, some poems are never finished! but working on them is always a pleasant experience.
here are a few of my thoughts. I will try not to be too specific so this doesn't become a full-on critique. (:
You have a few errors here and there that, although small, hinder the quality of the poem: "stars light" should be "stars' light", "stronger then stone" should be "stronger than stone" and so on... you have tense errors, misspells and small things that immediately lower the poem's quality for a reader.
I see the story you want to tell here, but the poem becomes more and more confusing as it goes on. The "dialogue" between father and son you have is something structured like a prose dialogue would, and it's thrown in the middle of the poem in a way I really didn't like and without proper punctuation, it's not really immediately obvious who is who. You also use a LOT of words to tell this story, and as such, every verse tells a lot... it is too much.
You need to step away from something of this poem, I personally think. A small example is here: "a lonely wanderer walking all alone" ... you don't need both "lonely wanderer" and "walking all alone", they define the same exact thing. Someone who walks alone.
In other parts, it feels like verses are built just so the rhyme can happen.
I would consider, were I you, to make a short list of what is essential in every stanza, like this:
Stanza 1 - a lonely wanderer, a will of stone, painful memories, seeking vengeance .
Stanza 2 - won't stop until he's avenged, but then weather almost kills him, until someone arrives to help
Stanza 3 - the savior is the person the lonely wanderer sought to kill! He finally fulfills his desire.
Stanza 4 - death doesn't kill him because he's curious about what wanderer will do with his freedom. he disappears in the dark and no one knows what happens to him.
In order to not get lost in all the wording you use, you need to simplify how this poem reads and only keep what is needed, regardless of how much you like that pretty image you wrote in that favourite stanza of yours. if it's just pretty words, it does nothing good to the poem anyway. In my opinion, use better punctuation to make it easier to follow (or make shorter verses/stanzas) and never forget that rhymes don't need to be at the end of the line! They can be in the middle, too.
Just to give you a small idea of what I mean with "take out what isn't needed", I would cut your first stanza to these two:
They say there was a wanderer,
with starlight as his navigator
cold as unwelcome companion
and will forged in blood and steel.
Bow and blade he sported, while
unseen, the mountains and
chains of his past weighed his
heart - yet hardened his resolve
to find hope in another day,
solace in vengeance for his lost soul.
(Yeah, the quality of the writing is poor, but I didn't really gave this much thought!) I essentially took out everything that I didn't think was necessary, added punctuation and line division to create a coherent story flow, and there you go. It feels much better to me already. Of course, I wrote something slightly different from what you probably meant with that stanza, but that is why only you can do this job properly. (: only you know how changes need to be made!
So, overall... the story you're telling is really interesting, and something you should definitely keep working on. But you need to make it more readable, get rid of those small mistakes here and there, polish it up so it becomes more understandable and enjoyable. Good luck, and let me say, some poems are never finished! but working on them is always a pleasant experience.